Saturday 17th Oct (Night pages)

Meditated for all of 10 minutes, maybe 20. This burden, guilty-like-feeling. Been feeling into it.

People in my life coming to mind: Smoky, Lori, Bahar, Luke, AJ, Libby, Mario. Today I had sorta got back into my happy place, not 100% but I was feeling pretty good, but after I got home, I felt like an outsider. Doubts, guilt, sadness, indecisive, confused. Biggest thing going on in my head is “being misunderstood”. And that I can’t help people if I can’t feel free to be myself.

But my truth changes daily – what is up with that? lol

It feels so great when I’m in it – no doubts.
When I’m ‘not so in it’ – full of doubts.
Constantly ‘seeking’ to get back ‘in it’.
But knowing that ‘seeking’, keeps me ‘seeking’.

The work-around, or perhaps the new insight, or the “what works right now” in this precise level I’m on:

1.) Whatever level I’m on – whatever lesson/growth/expansion/experience I’m currently “playing” requires exactly this vibration I’m running on. Trust this vibration. When I surrender to it, I actually pull back the curtain… it’s like, being “ok” with whatever vibration I’m feeling… pulls me straight back up into the ‘unconditional love’ vibration. Amazing!

If I “seek” the unconditional love vibration… it’s always out of reach lol. It’s like I stay in the space of “seeking” it – never quite reaching it. And once I accept that whatever I’m feeling is exactly what I’m supposed to be feeling, that “makes me feel better” about it, and moves me up a notch lol, and then after a while, it seems to dissipate and is quickly replaced with the vibration that I was ‘seeking’ to begin with.

Like, Resistance is lower on the vibration scale than Acceptance, so “accepting” my “resistance” moves me up a vibration, and it feels better. :) The momentum for moving “up” the vibration is accelerated by acceptance of the best vibration I can feel “right now”.

2.) If it feels bad/negative = it’s “not true”. Realizing that something is out of alignment but still accepting that’s where I’m at. That it’s all for some reason that I can’t see from this perspective, and then, by accepting it, it dissipates, and I get the new ‘perspective’ as my “prize” and that gives me “bliss”. lol.

Sitting on these 2 at the moment.

Yep.

These 2 are really awesome.

Because this is exactly what I would tell “other people” in this moment, so, as usual, it must be a message for me.

My whole life I seem to have been on this path. Adversity, challenges, unworthiness, ego, hating myself, hating other people, guilt, shame, humiliation, ugly, angry, depressed, lost, unlovable and unavailable, that constant feeling of “less than” wanting to be “more than”.

Ever and always have been into personal development and ‘never quite getting there’. Ever uncovering deeper & deeper layers and beliefs to unravel.

I want (I guess) to “rush” the process. To feel good all the time and still expand and grow. Which is how I feel most of the time, 95% of the time actually, and that 5% is the discomfort you feel when you have a new challenge to conquer. 

Probably, you get bliss, then “challenge level” (discomfort), then bliss again as the “reward” for conquering and expanding from the “challenge”.

The child (me) may think she knows so much, because she’s come so far and faced many adversities, and came out “happier”, but the child knows nothing really. Because today’s challenge has never been lived before by this perspective. You have to stay conscious or you’ll keep restarting this level. You have never experienced this level from your perspective before. This level, today, this moment, is new for you to expand from. 

In the past, I may of seemingly stayed in a particular level for 10-20 years. Having the same perspective. Sticking my nails in. Not wanting to change my perspective to allow myself freedom to pass this level. Now, it feels like everyday I’m experiencing a new level, I get to change my perspective daily to match the new moment and new reality that I am faced with. Daily, the challenge is different and requires something that I haven’t experienced yet from this new ever-changing, ever-evolving, ever-expanding perspective.

Daily expansion instead of decade expansion.

Is reality (my reality) changing this fast, or what is going on in the collective reality? Are we all expanding rapidly now? Or just those willing to change their beliefs on a daily basis? lol Hmm.. Ponder, ponder. That seems to be the ticket really… allowing beliefs to serve you in the now, and when you face the new “now” that needs a different belief, you embrace the new belief and you get presented with the next “now”. 

Allow yourself to be able to adjust your beliefs in the “now” moment to serve you best. What would love do? And you quickly and easily smooth right through the level. The lesson is love. All lessons are love-based.

Not able to grab for the same tools we had in our toolbox that worked in a similar fashion faster because everything is different now. You have a different perspective, and a new experience and level and challenge to face. But a new way to incorporate “love” into your perspective is always the key out of the level. 

Everyday wondering how best, and what feels the best about getting through this game.

Yet yearning more for the creation part.
Which I feel we do anyway, every moment, conscious or not.

Being in alignment with what feels right, is awesome.

Daily, when I have those winning, feel-good moments, I’m like:

Fuck – the Universe is so cool, so funny, so cheeky, so amazing, so fun! 
I’m so excited to be here, now, to experience this, to see this! To feel this!

Although expanding is what I love, I keep creating a reality that confuses me. Perhaps because I can’t easily translate my reality to others. 

After I write lately, I’m always, always, always – without fail – ever led to someone who has received the exact same insight, said a slightly different way, which always seems to clarify that I’m on the right path, especially if I get excited or a feeling of ‘coming home’, ‘not alone’, ‘welcome here’, ‘free’, feelings.

Either they are just as screwed up and delusional as I am, or they are onto it.

Fine line between insanity and awakened, that’s for sure.

Because this crazy is so far outside what we’ve been told… but when you go down that path, it feels amazing, like a hidden world that was there the entire time being revealed, shimmering, bleeding-through the illusion. The further I embrace this crazy, the more real it seems.

Still possible that I’ve managed to brainwash this all into myself though.
Still possible that I’m making it up and imagining all the connections.
And just as possible that the crazy is real and what I’m making up is actually manifesting.
Including making myself crazy. :)

The cards – omg, the cards have blown my mind. 100% accuracy. I shuffle and the cards “jump out” by themselves. Never expected that.
Have also been doing for friends & family with 100% accuracy to ‘my’ physical sense, my intuition, my gut feelings, and some conformed. Would love to really see if it resonates with others, (to have the guts to share it with them). But since I don’t want to “impose” on their reality, I would only be able to do it for those who allow that in their reality :)

Never been able to do muscle testing or feel anything with crystals, never been able to get a pendulum to do anything and even in the past, tarot cards have been pretty “bullshit” for me. But the ones I’m using now – blow my mind and I have to stop myself from referring to them all the time lol

When I feel crappy it’s because some part of me still wants to “control the outcome”. To impose my will onto others. To bring them into my crazy. To show them what a cool reality looks like lol. 

I want ‘free-will’ to be myself and do things ‘my way’, speak my truth, evolve at an accelerated rate, and part of me wants others to do it ‘my way’ instead of trusting their own souls and individual journey. That’s where the “discomfort” is. The understanding that they are at where they’re at. I’m at where I’m at. Loving them for who they are now, without judgement… and then having that part of me who still wants to “impose” my reality onto them, instead of realizing that all these messages for them, are my own insights, meant for me.

– Everything – you want for others – is meant for you.
– You may be part of ‘their’ experience and expansion, but not in the way that some part of you is thinking.
– They bring out in you, what you need to learn.
– They bring out in you, how you need to expand.
– The very thing you are ‘coming to’ when you are interacting with others, is the very thing you ‘get’ to expand you.
– The insights/expansion yourself, “IS” the expansion you seek.

Some part of that feels true to me, but I can think of examples where that doesn’t feel true.

One thing that comes to mind is for almost 3 Weeks now I’ve had an overwhelming urge to help someone, that I might be the only one who can, and that lately, I’ve had feelings that I might not be given that opportunity, and I feel kinda misunderstood. Why the almost 3 weeks of overwhelming desire to help? Yet also seeing that person as their soul, complete and perfect the way they are and exactly where they have chosen to be for this particular experience/challenge in their life. Yet why the magnet then if not to pay attention and share how I got out of a similar challenge. If I trusted my gut instincts 2 weeks ago, I would’ve shared everything – freed their soul. Released their suffering and changed the direction of their life. There is no magnet now and I never got to share much of anything? It makes me lose my faith and trust in not only being myself, but that this whole thing could be in my own made-up mind. And why do I not care about anything else now except in expanding my awareness with all of this.

And then.. after I wrote that, I saw the problem. lol and got the insight I needed, and it was back “on”. The exact thing. Wanting to “bring people into my reality” is the problem. Back to accepting and loving people where they are and let the universe figure it out. Back to seeing it all as “my own” lessons & expansion. 

I also asked the question: What do you know to be true?

• The cards work. Don’t know how, don’t know how at all, but they work. 
• The things I’ve learnt about mindset and consciousness “work”. Don’t know how, but they work.
• The things I share for the most part, seem to be helping people, although some I’m not so sure about. But I don’t want to become “less than” and right now, I really want to share from the level I’m on, whatever that is in this game.
• I do try and reach people where I “think” they are at, but I’m finding it ever harder to go back to that way of thinking, plus I don’t want to think of anyone as not being capable of getting it themselves.

I believe they take in whatever they need for their current level/experience/challenge, they discard the rest, but I believe they take in the bits they are ready for now, and that the same is true for me, that by helping them, I’m helping myself, and that they are also helping me and helping themselves. I take in whatever “I” need for “my” current level/experience/challenge.

– Noone is further along than others. We’re all expanding and learning from the perspective we want to create and expand from. The levels are for that perspective to experience. They are still the same souls with access to all the knowledge from the same and their perspective from the level they are playing / creating will and is expanding you. You feel like you’ve come so far because you have experienced all these different levels from all these perspectives, but you have never experienced a level the exact same way as another with the same perspective they are choosing to experience right now. Every perspective is valid. All levels, perspectives are what makes this place so infinitely interesting and challenging and ever-expanding and exciting!

– The harder someone is struggling to overcome a challenge, the more expansion they get from overcoming it.

– Your input will help them as will other people’s input. And their own interpretation of the challenge they face, this perspective – what they see from their current perspective, is why they are experiencing that level. They came in to experience that level from that perspective, they choose their own adventure and choose their own methods and helpers. And they also choose which parts of other people’s perspectives to experience that level.

– That magnetic pull you feel towards other beings is for “you” to know that person is part of the level for you. Part of your lesson, growth, expansion. Part of the experience. But that magnetic pull is for you. Not for them. It’s for you to try and figure out. What you gained from that magnetic pull may not even be realized by your conscious mind. It’s a “Pay Attention” sign. They ‘may’ also get a magnetic pull to you if you are part of their experience for the level they are on, and they may not. 

But we are pulled towards those we need to pay attention to, as something about that person/interest, is a way for us to level-up. 

The ego isn’t bad, it’s just the unconscious stuff. It’s the cool part of our creation that can be programmed to serve us better, so that we can better focus on what we want to be conscious of, and train it to automatically help us. It’s the most amazing thing when used in a conscious way – it can allow you to focus your awareness on different aspects of the experience. It’s available for us to programme, but we just didn’t know how to utilize it for the superpower it is. Someone forgot to give us that page of the manual when we came into this experience, and we didn’t realize just how powerfully it can serve our life. It’s a way to create a consistent reality that serves what we are doing here, so we can better explore, and expand more about other aspects.

As we learn, grow, expand, it’s the part that keeps the “wanted parts” in our creation, automatic, so we can explore “new-ness”.

Programme it to vibe high, so that when you are out of alignment with your purpose (your current level), you feel a “sense” or knowing, rather than any kind of discomfort that puts you further out of alignment.

That means, train it to see the good in everyone, because feeling “bad” about “anyone” puts you in low vibrations.

Train it – to appreciate everything as it is, seeing everything as a fellow being experiencing a different perspective on that level at that time.

• Train it to utilize ‘permission slips’ to vibrate higher. (Vitamins, or Rituals, Tools, or Tasks)
• Programme food to give you energy – and water to cleanse you.
• …To feel unconditional love and compassion.
• …To seek the signs and pay attention
• …To find the hidden secrets, bonus levels, and explore and experience.
• …To have courage to be yourself.
• …To smile, lighten up, find the funny and fun.

And most of all…To be excited about life (I am excited about…)
When you have nothing to be excited about, you’re “stuck” in the game.

Just “wanting” to get excited about something is a step forward out of the level. It lights another lamp on the pathway. It shows you the direction out of the level. It is the start of training your mind to look for something to be excited about, which changes your perspective and what you see. It gives you ‘certainty’ instead of doubt. Everything else falls away when you are excited about something. Be excited about the game! “Wanting” to be excited about something is a higher vibration than having nothing to be excited about.

Another step forward is realizing what you are grateful for. The things you have already created that didn’t go to shit lol.
It trains your mind to seek more things to be grateful for, and helps you feel “appreciative” which is just an inch away from joy.

It trains your tool, to automatically “scan” for the good. To “pickup” the higher vibrations. It puts a “twinkle” on the things that are going to make you feel excited and happy.

Excitement  like..  10,000+ High Vibrational Score.. Ultimate Vibration to be in.
= purpose, happy, love, joy, health, alignment with higher self, grateful, all other problems fade away when the “excitement” vibe is in focus, your body heals, love takes over, happiness takes over, “more than” takes over, you are strong, and empowered. Life is good – great!

Apathy like.. 0-2 Vibrational score, just above dead.  Worst Vibration to be in.
= depression, confusion, indecision, grief, stress, overwhelmed, sick, sad, stuck, misaligned, angry, bitter, judgemental, spiteful, shame, withdrawn, hidden, crouching, frustrated, humiliated, weak, “less than” takes over.

How you could switch-around low vibe thoughts to reach excitement vibration:

Maybe write down a few things that you are worried about, or that you are “less than happy” about… and what is the “best” vibration you can reach about that particular thing you are less than happy about. What would love say? What feels better?

In what areas is your happiness lacking?

Less Than

1.) I am… worried about my health
2.) I am…
3.) I am…
4.) I am…
5.) I am…

More Than

1.) I am… excited about getting better
2.) I am…
3.) I am…
4.) I am…
5.) I am…

Now which “more than” excitement vibe is the “highest” on your list? Which feels better than the rest? Which do you resonate with more? Which feels the most believable to how you are feeling right now? Which one can you have “acceptance” for? VIBE there. And look for ways to vibe higher there, to accelerate and amplify there.

Example:
Health

“I am excited about getting better” is better than “I am worried about my health”
Having a fresh juice, supports the vibe of “excited about getting better”… your body, mind, soul believes you intend for “getting better” to be the end result. And more health is created. It’s just a slight switch in perspective, but it’s one that serves you rather than keeps you in the lower vibrations. 

Having a soda or anything you believe doesn’t serve your health, anything that adds more “worry”, supports the “worried about my health” vibe, and lowers you down a vibration.

Choose things to “support” the vibe of “getting better”.. then, as you move into that vibration, you will start to build momentum. The vibrations will get higher. You will add new vibes into the mix, like “hopeful”, “optimistic”, “happiness”, “on-track”, “right path”, and so on that add even more “vibrational scores” to your being, and supports the “I am excited about getting better” (whatever is true for you from where you are) vibration.

Add “happy” food into your diet. Preferably guilt-free happy food. (Permission-Slip)
Cashews, Tyrosine, Cacao, Bananas, Dates, Water, Fresh-Juices, Smoothies.
They are all “happy pills” for me, because I hold the belief that I’m nurturing my body, providing nourishing live-energy-foods into my cells, into my circuitry, into my energy being, converting “intending” everything into good, useful energy instead of toxic waste. My personal beliefs of “Heal, not harm”, etc. And my personal beliefs power my reality, what comes into my creation. 

More “lamps” will show up to support your new vibration and show you a way out of the level you’re on, upgrade you.
When you are vibrating in excitement, you are vibrating in purpose.
All the shit stuff falls away and reveals your shining self underneath.

Just try to bring down someone when their light is shining brightly. It won’t work.

When you are vibing high in excitement and purpose, the lower vibes don’t come out to play.
The highest vibe wins. Because “excitement” brings “certainty”. When you feel “certain” about something “good”, the lower vibes can’t play there, cos they kinda don’t exist, because they don’t support the “certain” vibration. 

Seek the positive/good in every situation and you vibrate higher than when you dwell in the negative.

If you “want” to raise your vibes and reveal your shiny stuff, then choose the highest vibe you can reach at the time.

What would “love” do now? How would love answer this? What would love say?

I’m dying becomes >>> I’m not dead yet!

I’m sad becomes >>> optimism… “but I won’t always feel this way”

or 

I’m sad becomes >>> but such a such a thing /situation makes me feel happy (music, aspect, something you like to do, shower, walk, petting my cat.. whatever!)

Needy >>> Self-love
Disgust >>> Compassion
Hopeless >>> Optimistic
Victim >>> Freedom
Pessimism >>> Optimism
Pessimism >>> Hope
Negative >>> Positive
Sheep >>> Real, Authentic, Truth
Hate >>> Love
Judgement >>> Compassion
Judgement >>> Empathy
Guilt >>> Forgiveness (I learnt my lesson, move on)
Guilt >>> Compassion
Rage >>> Angry
Angry >>> Disappointed
Discouraged >>> Misunderstood
Misunderstood >>> Compassion
Fear >>> Courage
Fear >>> Love

Or feel into it wholly. Is this what you are meant to learn in this level?
No? Transmute it to a higher vibration — or release it!

Can you do anything about it?
No? Then Release it! 
Yes? What? Take Action, take a baby step right now. 

Know the kids’ game of hot & cold?

As children we used to hide something and as the other got closer to the item, we’d say “warmer, warmer, getting hotter, omg you are so close!! hot, hot hot!! And as they moved away – you’d say colder, getting colder, getting cooler, cold, ice cold, etc.

Think of life like a 3d Maze with a purpose and lots of cool experiences to be had. You don’t know your purpose, you were wiped when you arrived, but you have an inner guidance system that will lead you through the maze, show you what experiences you wanted to have, lead you to expansion and growth and the FUN and LOVE that you came here for.

When you are going the right way, your inner guidance whispers “warmer, warmer, hotter, hot, hot, hot = Excitement!!” and when you are about to fall down a trap or head into a shit-storm, your whole body resists and you will hear “cold, colder, ice-cold – warning, warning, warning!!!” “Oh, fuck.”

When you vibrate as your higher self, inner guidance – whatever you want to call it, your internal warning & compass system.

If it feels shit = colder, coldest, ice-cold, “FUCK!”
If it feels good = warm, warmer, getting warmer.. hotter… 
If it feels exciting = HOT HOT HOT.. On Fire! Unstoppable! Easiest path… slide right through your lessons and challenges and experiences with the least amount of turmoil, with more appreciation of the game.
When you feel excited about something – you get “certainty”.. when you have certainty – nothing can stop you, you’re a powerful creator.
The game is still challenging, but it’s fun and much easier, more flowing, because you chose to have the perspective of “excitement”.

Free will.
You decide how you want to play, how hard it is, is up to you.

But secret tip = it’s fun and exciting when you choose fun & exciting as the perspective role to play. As your “character’s perspective”.

You came into the maze with pure love – innocent love, and wonder. You had dreams and things you wanted to experience.

Then you had 7 years to download the game, to set-up the automatic programme to serve your life. If you had conscious parents and people to help you understand the game, then you programmed beliefs for success, adventure, and went after your dreams.

But most of us had unconscious parents and society that had no idea how to play the game either. As a result, you learnt to automatically lock up your heart, gave away your power, not give yourself permission to go after your dreams, in fact, you were made to feel guilty for wanting anything for yourself. Selfish even. You experienced hurt, pain, wanting but never getting.

You flip-flopped your automatic-brain – your ego / the programme that was here to serve you, got reprogrammed to make the game extremely hard to win. It got reprogrammed to destroy your dreams, and make you feel less-than. That you can’t. You suffer because you have been programmed to suffer, you have been programmed to quiet the inner-voice, to disregard the inner guidance system, and it is screaming at you to pay attention.

You believed what you were told and kept making new beliefs to support the other beliefs. To make them true.

What makes you feel good, is your personal guidance system, for what you came here to experience.
Your warmer, hot, hot hot hot, system… is your purpose.

Sometimes you can spend a lifetime falling down ditches in the maze, ignoring that inner voice.
Other times you get a wakeup call with health, depression – you get stuck in a ditch and the only way out was to follow that voice. To let go of the past beliefs, to evolve. You expanded your way out of the ditch by removing the chains that pulled you into it.

And maybe others naturally got it cos their parents got it.

Or they got it “in spite of”. Their stubbornness wouldn’t allow other people to interfere with their belief-systems. Like Taurus – big time stubbornness. “I don’t like it, so I’m not going to do it” and by default, they live their bliss, fulfil their purpose, and follow their inner guidance rather than “what the masses are doing”, cos they refuse to listen to that which doesn’t make them feel good.

If you are lucky enough to feel it like I do, or similar, your down days are few cos you know they are temporary, you have a “way out”. You trust your guidance system and you know how to light the pathway cos you have trained yourself to look for the signs, to feel the warmer, hot, hotter voice, to find your excitement, to seek the good in all challenges, to embrace the expansion and unconditional love and bliss that you are rewarded with when you allow what is, trust what is, and find the good from where you are.

It’s the only way to level up in this ever-expanding game. 

Free will – it’s 100% completely and totally up to you how you play this game.

Seeking keeps you Seeking. Dwell in self-pity or choose excitement.