Journey

So lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how to create my ideal life.

I’ve come to a “stuck” point in my online business (my ‘big idea’ for starting to travel, leaving my legacy, connecting with my ‘tribe’, and being true to who I am). I did a draft website – and there’s much I want to change, but I just don’t work on it anymore.. I’ve only been working on it a little bit and I find myself getting distracted by “anything” that will keep me from working on it.

When I login to it.. I see lots that needs to be changed, but I don’t have the words, or the feeling, the motivation or any desire to do anything on it. So it just sits there.

I put a call out to my Facebook for accountability partners again.. that I was ready to share it with a couple of people – heart-centred people – to help me move forward.. to encourage & support each other – but even that.. when people started messaging me.. I was finding myself “not” clicking on their messages. There is a block inside me.. barriers .. walls.. hesitation.. fear?

I have a huge money block … having spent a lifetime “chasing money”, being caught-up in that world where I became soul-less & deathly-sick… the universe/my higher self or whatever – took all that away from me so that I could focus on what was important. After that reset-button was clicked.. money meant absolutely nothing to me. I’ve spoken about this heaps in my blog and videos so no need to expand, but basically.. I turned money into an “evil thing” that “kills” and “destroys” and keeps us as “slaves”.

I did get a few messages of “just follow your heart and not worry about the money” which I really resonated with (it’s actually what the whole new business is pretty much about! leaving a legacy.. helping people who are following their heart’s calling.. doing what they love and doing what is important) so when I got messages like that which pretty much says exactly what I would say back to them.. I felt hopeful again, that I can get past this block, but I don’t have the “passion” for it.

Someone I care deeply about sent me some words of wisdom … basically… everyday – visualize the kind of life I want (which would hopefully renew an energy within me – a desire – a passion to get back that “excitement” that you need to work on what I need to do.. to wake up with that vision in-mind).

So the past couple of days, instead of spending time forcing myself to work on something.. I’ve been “getting in the zone”. Not thinking about what I “want” but rather, how do I want to “feel”? Everyday.

Tuesday I spent almost the whole day visualizing my dream life. I put on this “Fire Meditation”.. I got in the van.. and let myself imagine my dream life.

What keeps coming up.. over and over and over and over again.. is this “Free to Be Me” message. The me that I’ve kept suppressed.

I feel the most unconditional love for myself and the world – everyone and everything.. when I feel “free to be me”. When I’m not living in “ego-world”.. when I’m just “being”, living in the moment, with no – I don’t know the word – with no.. fears or worries about what “other people might be thinking”. Without worrying about being “weird” or different or that I might be “wrong”. No judgements. Just allowing myself to experience everything as it is… and allowing others to “be” as well.. just being.

I went for a walk and wrote some notes about what kind of life would be the perfect life for me to create.

All of that encompasses “being the change” for me.  

There are no “things” in this vision, nothing “materialistic” that I want or need – it’s more of a “how do you want to “Feel”? visualization. The frequency I want to vibrate at.

Free to be me, and you being Free to be you. The ultimate unconditional-love.

Yesterday I slept for over 10 hours.. don’t remember anything that I dreamt about :) Hopefully I dreamt about the above.

I’m still not “buzzed” about working on my business. I will spend at least 20 minutes a day getting into the “zone” though.. imagining this dream life and creating it by making it more “real”. I know that the business will bring together all of that. The money part of it will figure itself out.. it’s more how I want to feel, what souls I want to connect with.

It all sounds a bit hippy-ish and spiritual… rather than logical and physical. There’s a lot about those words that have a kind of negative energy about it.. when compared to what we consider “real life”.. as in.. it has a kind of ‘airy-fairyness’ about it. Something that my past-self, and my egotistical-self wants to kind of ‘fight against’.

But I came to all these thoughts and beliefs through rationality – I came to these new beliefs through truth-seeking, through asking life’s big questions, through questioning everything (and continuing to do so) – not accepting that we had all the answers, or that we ever will. I used to pride myself on knowledge and being “right” and “people-pleasing”… and figuring stuff out.. and although I cannot explain my new way of thinking through any kind of normal ways of communication.. the closest I can come to.. is that it feel’s best for me.. to accept “now” – I just want to ‘let go’ and “just be” in-the-moment. And when I feel that I’m given permission to do that.. everything feels just so.. it’s like a complete “release”.. a big breath-out.. an “ahh”. And the world looks different. There’s a new perception. You are looking at it – at every experience – in a new way. Maybe one day I’ll find a way to communicate it, but I think it’s just a ‘knowing’ and an ‘unknowing’ and that it only makes sense to those who also are looking at it this way or who are on the verge-of.  And I’m not “there” all the time. As I continue to keep questioning everything and wanting to “experience” new things.. I step out and try on different beliefs.. it just seems that I always end up back here.. that this – whatever space this is – feels like the best approach to experiencing this ‘human experience’.

I don’t resonate with a lot of the spiritual things out there.. but whatever I’m feeling is my truth in this moment.. that whatever this is – however I’ve come to whatever stage this is – whatever space I’m in.. is the “right place” for me at this time. I don’t feel like I need to explain anything.. I just see everything differently than I ever have before. Everything is deeper, more connected, more meaningful. 

It’s only when I speak my truth and someone else responds with “huh?”, that I realize that others don’t see things the same way (When I let-go, I tend to forget and talk to people as if they also see everything the same way and then they remind me that we’re on a different frequency / having a different experience). Even when someone spiritual (those that I admire) says something that is not in alignment to how I feel, I’m like – wow.. I’m having a different experience from them too. For example one guy who runs an enlightenment group on Facebook who I felt was very ‘aware’, had lots of words-of-wisdom that resonated with wherever I’m at … (I even had him on my list of people to interview) decided to start thinking about making his group by “invitation-only” and changing his group description to “dissuade” people who are not at the same level of “enlightenment”. I’m like for someone who is apparently no longer living by ego, who apparently gives everyone permission to be their “unconditional” true selves – that sure sounds like a very “us and them” mentality to have. I don’t resonate with that – I see us all as teachers & students. We experience this world through our own experiences, and come together to learn from each other. There is no ‘wrong’ place in the journey.. that every experience is valid – we’re all having our own experience and we come together to share our experiences and help each other.

Oh well, that’s enough journalling for the moment.. getting my thoughts “out” so they are ‘released’ and I can receive “new-ness.. new thoughts, new insights, new ideas. 

I will keep practising 20 min visualizations and see where it goes. Let go, have faith, trust.