Journey

Don’t we all challenge our existence at different times in our lives? I think that’s what makes us human…what separates us from animals.. that we are actually capable of challenging what life is… conscious enough to even have the ability to question our own realities. To ‘wonder’.

All I did growing up.. was keep asking why, why, why, about EVERYTHING and never getting any answers that didn’t get the b.s. metre beeping, I couldn’t understand why noone seemed to know anything, nor why noone seemed to ‘care’ that they didn’t know anything – that they had just accepted that we are clueless or had chosen a particular religion or non-religion that made sense to them (but made no sense to me).

These ‘why’ questions were ‘born’ in me (and I assumed everyone else too, although I do think I seem more fanatical about the why’s than others around me, so maybe that’s a personality quirk.. it’s not inconceivable to me that perhaps “I’m” the deluded one, rather than the rest of the human race lol) I feel like I’m surrounded by empty shells, people who never question anything, just live a bs life – get a job, get a car, get a house, watch mindless tv or play games, make babies, blame everyone else for their problems, and believe everything they see on tv, really – that’s it? Why? why.. why.

I am divided.. with various possible scenarios..depending on what day it is.. sometimes, I think we are just dust particles in comparison to the universe and that we are only kidding ourselves to think there is anything more, and then other times (more often than not lately), I think we are all connected, and that we somehow chose this experience… and have various different ideas on which way that leads, knowing that I probably won’t have full comprehension about these things while I’m still discovering/learning and finding what fits right for me.

I think about it a lot, ever truth-seeking, and yeah… sometimes I have to pull my head together and grab my b.s. metre out when I notice myself getting caught up in something that’s way outside of mainstream that might just be wishful thinking…to see if it’s just something that I “hope” is real or whether it is in alignment to what I think can be plausible or not. Or whether I need more ‘proof’ or more research to understand it.

But throughout this whole “life” experience, I can still easily switch and resonate with different beliefs, having completely different views depending on wherever I’m at.

I’m ever-curious & constantly challenging my own beliefs, and haven’t made up my mind yet…  there is something within me, kinda screaming from within (that could just be that human thing mentioned earlier – that little ‘flaw’ in us that makes us consciously question our realities) that is always seeking “more”… always trying to answer the Why’s. I have an urge to SHAKE everyone up and try and get some LIFE out of people lol…all these dead-man-walking, negative, drama, empty, conversations. It’s so boring to have non-stimulating conversations about mindless, meaningless crap. I just have a greater sense of urgency to get a little bit deeper than cat photos, tv, and what the media tells us we should care about. And I don’t want to just talk to people who complain about everything either, negativity/anger is contagious, and so is happiness. So I’m trying to work on that with myself too.. trying not to shake people just to test if they are still alive or not.. even though I do have a desire to do it lol

I could shut off that urge if I wanted to (the urge to wanting to know more) and I have suppressed it for years at a time, especially with the help of alcohol.. very easy to shut-off living with the help of something that switches the brain off, but right now, I don’t want to.. right now I’m more determined than ever to open that can of worms right up and see what I can find out about this world, especially when there is so much out there to learn.