Journey

Last January singing/screaming to try and shift a really bad mood

Reuploaded a shortened version of last year’s Van Karaoke. I saw one of my “fun” videos on Instagram tonight and I really miss that girl. I want to remind myself to choose a better life again & ignore the haters.

I like how I can physically see that this practice shifted my despair.. after work I was so angry, upset, confused, helpless, hurt… started with the music… then started singing a little bit… then belted it out.. scream/yelling to the music, until I was rapping and smiling and definitely had lifted out of the darkness that had overcome me.

Although I didn’t “reach” where I was trying to reach/hoping to reach, but it definitely moved me out of despair to a less painful emotion.

Facebook post about finding this Instagram video last night

 

There’s a party in my van. Live free. Dance like nobody is looking. Be yourself. Enjoy moments. Smile. Laugh. Sing. Have fun! Join in!! #beyou #beyourself #becomewhoyouare #freeyourself #faceyourfears #befriendyourfears #loveyourself #selflove #fear #letgo #HomeR #van #vanlife #vandwelling #escapethematrix #vanlifediaries #livingthevanlife #Australia #livelife #iliveinavan #livinginavan #campervan #vanvibes #pitchperfect #partyintheusa

A post shared by Penny Butler (Ches) (@journeytoabetterlife) on Sep 3, 2015 at 6:21am PDT

Wow I really miss her… she knew how to be happy .. can’t wait for this dark cycle to end and rediscover what she knew that I have lost.

Not trying to sound victim-mode, being authentic as the observer – fuck there is a massive difference & I can’t figure out how to “snap back” to any kind of joy.

I remember not caring what ‘mean people’ thought..I was about to embark on my dream journey… I danced in the street.. I was happy.. and then suddenly a stream of crazy events.. in the middle of maybe (self-diagnosed) a psychotic episode, losing trust for humanity, losing trust in myself, and judging myself as “too much” “too crazy” “too delusional” “too different” “too wrong” “too weird” & not allowing myself to be happy anymore.. conforming and staying low and quiet and ‘careful’, embarrassed.. ashamed… no trust in my own intuition and no “care” for anyone or anything.. no dream, no purpose, just keeping low .. and I don’t understand why it’s taking so damn long to move through the grief of that cycle to the next.

Why can’t I just “snap out of it”? Let it go? Why did I give negative/nasty people that power over me anyway? Why did I do any of this to myself?

“Go within, go within”, keep going within & eventually I’ll find the little sucker in there who has hidden the key to getting out…but now I’m really getting impatient to how long it’s taking.. how long can a human go without caring or without happiness or without trust? I don’t want to find out.. cos I’m guessing many people live their whole lives unable to get out of the darkness.. that’s not going to be me.. I will figure this shit out lol. finding this video tonight just made me think… . mannnnnnn I really miss this girl xo

At least now I know what one of my goals is.. to find the happy dance within..to trust life again..

Today’s video talking about finding the above videos and the effect it’s had on changing my perception about life:

• Weird lispy audio (using my sis’s phone to record cos my phone is smashed).
• I miss crazy, happy Penny.
• Looking back on the girl that made health and happiness a priority vs the girl in this cycle that’s making shadow work a priority.
• This cycle has been dealing with my shit and detached from society.
• I’d like to give humanity a chance again.
• Looking for some kind of permission slip to step out of this bullshit.
• I’m cool with not being triggered, not having fears, not having anxiety, but I’m not cool with not having joy and compassion, or not caring about anybody or anything.